Forgiveness

On Wednesday of this past week, a husband and wife of our parish celebrated seventy years of marriage. We offered the 9AM Mass for them; much of their family was in attendance, and we thanked them for their example of fidelity. It was really lovely.

And it’s had me thinking since then: What a powerful sign a faithful marriage can be to the world of the gift of forgiveness. And, further: What a word it speaks to our times about the possibility of drawing closer to others through reconciliation.

Here’s what I mean by that: That couple celebrating their anniversary have drawn nearer to each other, not despite the fact that they’ve had to forgive one another over the years, but because they have had to. It’s another paradox: God often uses our differences to draw us closer to one another.

You might object, “Father, I don’t think God wants us to compromise with others. Are you going soft on us, Father? We have to fight!”

I don’t say we should never argue with others. I’m just saying that we should do so open to the possibility of being drawn nearer to the person or people with whom we disagree. If we flip the tables of the moneychangers, let us do so open to the possibility of their coming to understand why. If we have to denounce a Pharisee, let us do so with the hope of his becoming part of our communion.

Forgiveness may look like defeat to someone who sees only the surface of things, but to God, Who looks into the depths, forgiveness looks like the victory of His Son. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

On one occasion, while chaplain of the high school, I was asked to speak with two teammates who were fighting with one another on the football team. The coach brought them into my office, saying, “Father, see if you can help these guys; they’re at each others’ throats all the time.” After listening to them, I learned that both had their reasons for being angry at the other. But because they had apologized and shown their hearts to each other, those young men became two of the closest teammates on the field.

Again, if we stay on the surface of our relationships with our enemies, we will hate them, because we will see only what offends us. But if we are willing to look beneath the ugliness of sin, we may be surprised to see a person who is not altogether unlike us.

I know Norm MacDonald joked about how beauty is only skin deep, saying, “If you take a handsome man and then you skin him, suddenly he is not so easy on the eyes.” But the truth is that the beauty of the person is found in the depths of his heart, where God still dwells, man’s first goodness.

But reaching the depths of a person takes time; often seventy years; even a lifetime. It’s easier to say, “I hate you.” But if we love those who love us, what reward is there in that? Evil people love those who love them. But if we do good to those who hate us, then our reward will be great, and we will be called children of God, Who is good to the just and the unjust.

When I looked into the eyes of that married couple, I saw two people who came to know each others’ hearts, not because they found a way to avoid conflict, but because they forgave one another, not seven times, but seventy times seven. +